Marriage is a major life event. I think one of the only things that stayed the same after I got married was the fact that I knew I wanted to be married to my husband. Everything changes when we get married, and that includes our relationships with others, particularly our parents and parent-in-laws.
When my husband and I were first married, my parents were very involved in our lives. We only lived about 10 minutes away from each of our parents and I talked to my mom (at least on the phone, but often in person) every day. I think part of the reason that they felt the need to be so involved was that I was only 18 when I got married. I sometimes wonder if they felt that I lacked the ability to make it on my own with my husband. I don't remember minding my parent's involvement in our lives. Their involvement, however, did cripple my relationship with my husband temporarily. Instead of leaning on him for everything, I found myself leaning on my parents during the first year or so of our marriage. It wasn't until my husband addressed this as a problem, that I was able to take the steps necessary to change my relationship with my parents and also my husband.
What I experienced with my parents could be considered enmeshment which is "a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together... When enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are distorted. If a married child can't attend a family event, he feels like he is offending his parents, and his parents will be personally hurt" (Harper & Olsen, n.d.).
I remember having these feelings in the early months of my marriage. I felt that we had to spend the same amount of time with my parents as we did with my in-laws, otherwise my parents would have their feelings hurt. Looking back, I don't think that they would have been as hurt as I thought they would be, but I know my mom had a really difficult time with me having someone else as a "mother figure."
Now let's not confuse enmeshment with closeness. "Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present... Parents need to learn to let married children have their own experiences and solve their own problems, except for situations when parents are invited to provide input and support" (Harper & Olson, n.d.).
Thinking about my own children (who are ages 5, 3, and 1 right now) I can tell you right now that I can picture myself struggling with this when they get married. We want to take care of our children and often times we wish we could just fix their problems for them. This isn't really great parenting when they are young and they won't appreciate us trying to save them from everything when they are adults either, so I think it is important to learn how to give them their independence.
What should you do if you are having enmeshment difficulties with your parents or in-laws?
1) Express love and appreciation to the parents for all they do
2) Explain that you need to strengthen your couple identity and
3) Explain that expectations of "family time" are getting in the way of your marriage.
I think that we have probably all experienced this in one way or another. It's hard sometimes for parents to let go of their children and for children to let go of their parents. After all, they have been our supports for at least 18 years of our lives (in most cases). But with the right knowledge and the proper attitude, we can all foster healthy relationships with our parents and parents-in-law while also strengthening our marriages.
References
Harper, J.M., & Olsen, S.F. (n.d.). Creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended families. Retrieved from Bright Space.
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