Marriage is a major life event. I think one of the only things that stayed the same after I got married was the fact that I knew I wanted to be married to my husband. Everything changes when we get married, and that includes our relationships with others, particularly our parents and parent-in-laws.
When my husband and I were first married, my parents were very involved in our lives. We only lived about 10 minutes away from each of our parents and I talked to my mom (at least on the phone, but often in person) every day. I think part of the reason that they felt the need to be so involved was that I was only 18 when I got married. I sometimes wonder if they felt that I lacked the ability to make it on my own with my husband. I don't remember minding my parent's involvement in our lives. Their involvement, however, did cripple my relationship with my husband temporarily. Instead of leaning on him for everything, I found myself leaning on my parents during the first year or so of our marriage. It wasn't until my husband addressed this as a problem, that I was able to take the steps necessary to change my relationship with my parents and also my husband.
What I experienced with my parents could be considered enmeshment which is "a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together... When enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are distorted. If a married child can't attend a family event, he feels like he is offending his parents, and his parents will be personally hurt" (Harper & Olsen, n.d.).
I remember having these feelings in the early months of my marriage. I felt that we had to spend the same amount of time with my parents as we did with my in-laws, otherwise my parents would have their feelings hurt. Looking back, I don't think that they would have been as hurt as I thought they would be, but I know my mom had a really difficult time with me having someone else as a "mother figure."
Now let's not confuse enmeshment with closeness. "Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present... Parents need to learn to let married children have their own experiences and solve their own problems, except for situations when parents are invited to provide input and support" (Harper & Olson, n.d.).
Thinking about my own children (who are ages 5, 3, and 1 right now) I can tell you right now that I can picture myself struggling with this when they get married. We want to take care of our children and often times we wish we could just fix their problems for them. This isn't really great parenting when they are young and they won't appreciate us trying to save them from everything when they are adults either, so I think it is important to learn how to give them their independence.
What should you do if you are having enmeshment difficulties with your parents or in-laws?
1) Express love and appreciation to the parents for all they do
2) Explain that you need to strengthen your couple identity and
3) Explain that expectations of "family time" are getting in the way of your marriage.
I think that we have probably all experienced this in one way or another. It's hard sometimes for parents to let go of their children and for children to let go of their parents. After all, they have been our supports for at least 18 years of our lives (in most cases). But with the right knowledge and the proper attitude, we can all foster healthy relationships with our parents and parents-in-law while also strengthening our marriages.
References
Harper, J.M., & Olsen, S.F. (n.d.). Creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended families. Retrieved from Bright Space.
Thursday, December 7, 2017
Friday, December 1, 2017
Family Councils
An important aspect of marriage that is often overlooked is the practice of having Family Councils. These councils can include just a husband and wife, or may include the children as well. Those present depends on the needs of the family at the time, though couples are encouraged to hold Family Councils in one form or another.
Elder M. Russell Ballard (1994) tells us a little bit about the councils that the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles have each week. This is a good outline for us to follow in our own Family Councils.
What have we learned from these councils?
I think for me, it helps to have a time and day set apart to talk about important issues. I can say "We need to talk about this and that" all I want, but the fact is that if we don't have a specific time set aside for discussion, we won't ever have the talk. When we are planning our councils, we write it on the calendar just as we would any other appointment. We don't allow anything to get in the way of our council (with the exception a few years ago when our daughter cracked her head on the side of the bed and had to go to the E.R....) and we make it a priority.
My husband says that the biggest influence these councils have had on him is that it forces him to talk about the issues that he doesn't really want to talk about. He doesn't like to discuss the difficult topics like finances and parenting, but he knows that it is necessary to discuss these things.
These meetings also give each of us the opportunity to bring the other one up to speed on our lives. With school and work and three kids, sometimes it can feel like we are living parallel to each other without really being involved in each others lives. Our council meetings are a time when we can let each other know what we have going on in the next week, and express concerns and get support for all of the tasks we must complete.
Another thing these councils have done for my husband and I (and this is probably the most important thing they have done for me) is that they have brought a sense of unity and equality to my marriage. It helps us to recognize the contributions that we each make to our marriage and family and it helps us to refrain from pulling rank in our marriage.
Rick Miller teaches us about this specific principle,
"Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between husband and wife. Many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship. Research makes it very clear that issues about power is predictive of marital problems" (Miller, 2008, page 3).
He goes on, quoting Carlfred Broderick who said,
"In your family when there is a decision to be made that affects everyone, you and your wife together will seek whatever counsel you might need and together you will prayerfully come to a unified decision. If you ever pull priesthood rank on her, you will have failed in your leadership" (Miller, 2008, page 5).
Marriage is a partnership between man and woman and neither husband nor wife is more important or above the other. Participating in weekly Family Councils where issues are discussed openly, freely, and with the spirit will help to solidify these equal roles in a marriage.
If you have problems that need addressing, do it in a Family Council.
If you feel like your relationships are perfect (because, NEWSFLASH - they aren't perfect), still start having Family Councils.
I can tell you from personal experiences that, if done correctly, these councils will do so much good in your marriage. It will give you the opportunity to voice your concerns and stresses and will open the doors for problems to be resolved.
References
Ballard, M. R. (1994). Counseling with our councils. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1994/04/counseling-with-our-councils?lang=eng
Miller, R. B. (2008). Who is the boss? Power relationships in families. Given at the BYU Conference on Family Life, March 28, 2008.
Elder M. Russell Ballard (1994) tells us a little bit about the councils that the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles have each week. This is a good outline for us to follow in our own Family Councils.
- An agenda for the meeting is passed out the night before.
- When they first meet together, they express love and appreciation for each other.
- They have an opening prayer.
- The President of the Twelve addresses each item on the agenda.
- Each item is presented for discussion.
- The Brethren express their thoughts and feelings on each matter.
- They discuss with the spirit, instead of allowing personal feelings get in the way.
- When there is a sense of unity on a topic, the President or another member of the Twelve may make a recommendation.
- Members vote on the recommendation and it must be unanimous.
- If there is still some disagreement, the topic is discussed more until an agreement can be made.
What have we learned from these councils?
I think for me, it helps to have a time and day set apart to talk about important issues. I can say "We need to talk about this and that" all I want, but the fact is that if we don't have a specific time set aside for discussion, we won't ever have the talk. When we are planning our councils, we write it on the calendar just as we would any other appointment. We don't allow anything to get in the way of our council (with the exception a few years ago when our daughter cracked her head on the side of the bed and had to go to the E.R....) and we make it a priority.
My husband says that the biggest influence these councils have had on him is that it forces him to talk about the issues that he doesn't really want to talk about. He doesn't like to discuss the difficult topics like finances and parenting, but he knows that it is necessary to discuss these things.
These meetings also give each of us the opportunity to bring the other one up to speed on our lives. With school and work and three kids, sometimes it can feel like we are living parallel to each other without really being involved in each others lives. Our council meetings are a time when we can let each other know what we have going on in the next week, and express concerns and get support for all of the tasks we must complete.
Another thing these councils have done for my husband and I (and this is probably the most important thing they have done for me) is that they have brought a sense of unity and equality to my marriage. It helps us to recognize the contributions that we each make to our marriage and family and it helps us to refrain from pulling rank in our marriage.
Rick Miller teaches us about this specific principle,
"Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between husband and wife. Many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship. Research makes it very clear that issues about power is predictive of marital problems" (Miller, 2008, page 3).
He goes on, quoting Carlfred Broderick who said,
"In your family when there is a decision to be made that affects everyone, you and your wife together will seek whatever counsel you might need and together you will prayerfully come to a unified decision. If you ever pull priesthood rank on her, you will have failed in your leadership" (Miller, 2008, page 5).
Marriage is a partnership between man and woman and neither husband nor wife is more important or above the other. Participating in weekly Family Councils where issues are discussed openly, freely, and with the spirit will help to solidify these equal roles in a marriage.
If you have problems that need addressing, do it in a Family Council.
If you feel like your relationships are perfect (because, NEWSFLASH - they aren't perfect), still start having Family Councils.
I can tell you from personal experiences that, if done correctly, these councils will do so much good in your marriage. It will give you the opportunity to voice your concerns and stresses and will open the doors for problems to be resolved.
References
Ballard, M. R. (1994). Counseling with our councils. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1994/04/counseling-with-our-councils?lang=eng
Miller, R. B. (2008). Who is the boss? Power relationships in families. Given at the BYU Conference on Family Life, March 28, 2008.
Friday, November 24, 2017
Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
Okay, folks.
It's time for another touchy (or just plain uncomfortable) topic. Well, maybe for you. My goal is to some day be a Sex Therapist, so believe it or not, this isn't really uncomfortable for me. Maybe I'm just a weirdo.
As uncomfortable as this topic may be, I don't think that any of us can deny the importance of talking about it. In addition, I think that we all can agree that it probably isn't discussed as much as is should be. I'm not suggesting that you should bring this topic up at Thanksgiving dinner with your in-laws, but there are times in which we could be more open. For instance, with our children and with our spouse.
Sexual intimacy is a key part of marriage. But some have what Laura M. Brotherson - a marriage counselor, sex therapist, and personal friend of mine - calls The Good Girl Syndrome. According to Brotherson, "It is the significant impact of the negative sexual conditioning that many receive, especially women, regarding their own bodies and the purposes of sexuality. The Good Girl Syndrome refers to the deeply internalized feelings and attitudes that rigidly emphasize only the negatives associated with sexuality" (Brotherson, 2004, pg. 2).
Those of us who grew up in the Church may have experienced some of this negative sexual conditioning as youth. In Young Women's we were taught about the importance of sexual purity. Some leaders perhaps beat that into us more than anything else (I had a few that it seemed ONLY wanted to talk about the law of chastity). It's not wrong to teach about sexual purity. It's necessary to teach about sexual purity. Unfortunately, though, sometimes young people do not differentiate between sexual purity when they are unmarried, and sexual purity when they are married. Because they are different.
Many women struggle with accepting sex as appropriate after they are married. My own grandmother struggled with this when she was a newly married young woman. But the prophets and apostles have taught us that "sex is for procreation and expression of love" (Kimball, 1982, pg. 311). Sexual intimacy is ordained of God within the bonds of marriage. How amazing is that? We are provided, not only with the means to help create and grow life, but with a way in which husband and wife can strengthen their emotional and spiritual bond to each other and show that with the very strongest expression of love!
Wow! Just wow!
We know that the feelings felt by our mortal bodies serve a great purpose. Elder Richard G. Scott explains that a "reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose" (Scott, 1994). He goes on to say, "when we were created, Father in Heaven put in our body the capacity to stir powerful emotions. Within the covenant of marriage, when properly used in ways acceptable to both and to the Lord, those emotions open the doors for children to come to earth... There are times, brethren, when you need to restrain your feelings. There are times when you need to allow their full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage."
These feelings that we have toward our spouse are normal. And they are appropriate when we are married. But these emotions, if left free and unchecked, can lead to danger.
Dr. H. Wallace Goddard teaches us of these dangers. "Today Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means. He gets us inappropriately close to someone who is not our spouse under the guise of missionary work, friendship, or helpfulness. He subtly builds inappropriate emotional bonds while quieting our consciences with weak rationalizations" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 89).
Have you experienced this sort of relationship apart from your spouse?
Let me share with you an experience that taught me a very important lesson about this. I was a young 19-year-old newlywed. One of my husband's friends (we will call him Tom for the sake of convenience) had helped me in getting a job where he worked a few months prior to my marriage. Over the months of my engagement and our marriage, my husband and I both continued to be friends with Tom. The three of us would hang out often (with the usual addition of whatever girl Tom was dating at the time). As the months passed, Tom and my husband fell away from each other a bit, although Tom and I remained friends and coworkers. At first, Tom and I would only see each other at work. Then he would text me occasionally, but I never kept those texts a secret from my husband, so I didn't think there was any danger. Especially since I was madly in love with my husband and had absolutely no interest in Tom. Pretty soon Tom started scheduling his lunch hour at the same time as mine so we could eat together in the break room at work. Again, I justified this because there were always other people around and we were just friends. Around Christmas, I was talking to Tom about what I should get my husband for Christmas. He suggested that we meet somewhere after work and look together. Being the naive, 19-year-old that I was, I agreed and we decided to meet at a store down the road when we both got off.
We walked through the store together, laughing and joking and really having a good time. The thought hit me that I enjoyed spending time with Tom. Instantly after that thought came, "What if someone you know sees you with him?" My stomach sunk and I realized that what was going on was not appropriate. Interestingly enough, I never was infatuated with Tom. And yet, as I read the chapter in Dr. Goddard's book, I could see so many similarities between what he calls the "Stages of Unfaithfulness" and my relationship with Tom.
I ended everything with Tom after that day. I explained the situation to my husband and he was, of course, incredibly forgiving and loving to me. I still saw Tom at work (it was unavoidable), but I avoided him when possible and didn't spend time with him outside of work.
It was a good lesson for me to see just how subtle the temptation is to form these "special friendships" with individuals who are not our spouse.
How do we fight off these temptations?
Dr. Goddard gives us some wise counsel:
"We should be prepared for Satan's attacks. He offers love, fun and a satisfying life. But it is a lie. He wants to get us to violate our covenants. But he has no joy to deliver on his grandiose promises. He is the master of misery. That is all he has to offer... As usual, Satan's lies are extravagant - but empty. In contrast God's promises are sure" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 95-96).
Hold to your covenants. Hold to your marriage. Give your whole heart to the Lord and to your spouse. Don't form "special friendships" with anyone besides your sweetheart. As you turn toward your spouse, you will find fulfillment in your marriage and happiness throughout your life.
References
Brotherson, L. M. (2004). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing
Kimball, S. W. (1982). The teachings of Spencer W. Kimball.
Scott, R. G. (1994). Ensign. Page 38.
It's time for another touchy (or just plain uncomfortable) topic. Well, maybe for you. My goal is to some day be a Sex Therapist, so believe it or not, this isn't really uncomfortable for me. Maybe I'm just a weirdo.
As uncomfortable as this topic may be, I don't think that any of us can deny the importance of talking about it. In addition, I think that we all can agree that it probably isn't discussed as much as is should be. I'm not suggesting that you should bring this topic up at Thanksgiving dinner with your in-laws, but there are times in which we could be more open. For instance, with our children and with our spouse.
Sexual intimacy is a key part of marriage. But some have what Laura M. Brotherson - a marriage counselor, sex therapist, and personal friend of mine - calls The Good Girl Syndrome. According to Brotherson, "It is the significant impact of the negative sexual conditioning that many receive, especially women, regarding their own bodies and the purposes of sexuality. The Good Girl Syndrome refers to the deeply internalized feelings and attitudes that rigidly emphasize only the negatives associated with sexuality" (Brotherson, 2004, pg. 2).
Those of us who grew up in the Church may have experienced some of this negative sexual conditioning as youth. In Young Women's we were taught about the importance of sexual purity. Some leaders perhaps beat that into us more than anything else (I had a few that it seemed ONLY wanted to talk about the law of chastity). It's not wrong to teach about sexual purity. It's necessary to teach about sexual purity. Unfortunately, though, sometimes young people do not differentiate between sexual purity when they are unmarried, and sexual purity when they are married. Because they are different.
Many women struggle with accepting sex as appropriate after they are married. My own grandmother struggled with this when she was a newly married young woman. But the prophets and apostles have taught us that "sex is for procreation and expression of love" (Kimball, 1982, pg. 311). Sexual intimacy is ordained of God within the bonds of marriage. How amazing is that? We are provided, not only with the means to help create and grow life, but with a way in which husband and wife can strengthen their emotional and spiritual bond to each other and show that with the very strongest expression of love!
Wow! Just wow!
We know that the feelings felt by our mortal bodies serve a great purpose. Elder Richard G. Scott explains that a "reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose" (Scott, 1994). He goes on to say, "when we were created, Father in Heaven put in our body the capacity to stir powerful emotions. Within the covenant of marriage, when properly used in ways acceptable to both and to the Lord, those emotions open the doors for children to come to earth... There are times, brethren, when you need to restrain your feelings. There are times when you need to allow their full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage."
These feelings that we have toward our spouse are normal. And they are appropriate when we are married. But these emotions, if left free and unchecked, can lead to danger.
Dr. H. Wallace Goddard teaches us of these dangers. "Today Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means. He gets us inappropriately close to someone who is not our spouse under the guise of missionary work, friendship, or helpfulness. He subtly builds inappropriate emotional bonds while quieting our consciences with weak rationalizations" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 89).
Have you experienced this sort of relationship apart from your spouse?
Let me share with you an experience that taught me a very important lesson about this. I was a young 19-year-old newlywed. One of my husband's friends (we will call him Tom for the sake of convenience) had helped me in getting a job where he worked a few months prior to my marriage. Over the months of my engagement and our marriage, my husband and I both continued to be friends with Tom. The three of us would hang out often (with the usual addition of whatever girl Tom was dating at the time). As the months passed, Tom and my husband fell away from each other a bit, although Tom and I remained friends and coworkers. At first, Tom and I would only see each other at work. Then he would text me occasionally, but I never kept those texts a secret from my husband, so I didn't think there was any danger. Especially since I was madly in love with my husband and had absolutely no interest in Tom. Pretty soon Tom started scheduling his lunch hour at the same time as mine so we could eat together in the break room at work. Again, I justified this because there were always other people around and we were just friends. Around Christmas, I was talking to Tom about what I should get my husband for Christmas. He suggested that we meet somewhere after work and look together. Being the naive, 19-year-old that I was, I agreed and we decided to meet at a store down the road when we both got off.
We walked through the store together, laughing and joking and really having a good time. The thought hit me that I enjoyed spending time with Tom. Instantly after that thought came, "What if someone you know sees you with him?" My stomach sunk and I realized that what was going on was not appropriate. Interestingly enough, I never was infatuated with Tom. And yet, as I read the chapter in Dr. Goddard's book, I could see so many similarities between what he calls the "Stages of Unfaithfulness" and my relationship with Tom.
I ended everything with Tom after that day. I explained the situation to my husband and he was, of course, incredibly forgiving and loving to me. I still saw Tom at work (it was unavoidable), but I avoided him when possible and didn't spend time with him outside of work.
It was a good lesson for me to see just how subtle the temptation is to form these "special friendships" with individuals who are not our spouse.
How do we fight off these temptations?
Dr. Goddard gives us some wise counsel:
"We should be prepared for Satan's attacks. He offers love, fun and a satisfying life. But it is a lie. He wants to get us to violate our covenants. But he has no joy to deliver on his grandiose promises. He is the master of misery. That is all he has to offer... As usual, Satan's lies are extravagant - but empty. In contrast God's promises are sure" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 95-96).
Hold to your covenants. Hold to your marriage. Give your whole heart to the Lord and to your spouse. Don't form "special friendships" with anyone besides your sweetheart. As you turn toward your spouse, you will find fulfillment in your marriage and happiness throughout your life.
References
Brotherson, L. M. (2004). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing
Kimball, S. W. (1982). The teachings of Spencer W. Kimball.
Scott, R. G. (1994). Ensign. Page 38.
Saturday, November 18, 2017
Dreams and Their Role in Marriage
Sometimes in marriage, conflicts can escalate and result in something called gridlock. According to Dr. Gottman, we will know that we have reached a gridlock if...
1. We've had the same argument over and over again with no resolution.
2. Neither the husband nor the wife can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing over time.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would been giving up something that is important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.
Pretty much any conflict in marriage CAN grow into a gridlock if we allow it to. Let me share an example of a conflict that has been ever present in my marriage (which I don't believe has turned into a gridlock YET because it doesn't fit into category #2).
My husband thinks it's perfectly okay if our children have sleepovers with their friends once they are about 8 years old. I do not think that sleepovers are appropriate and I want my children to be in our home at night.
This has been something we have argued (mostly casually) about for the full seven years we've been married. We argued and disagreed on this topic before we even had children! Now that our oldest is almost 6, it's probably time for us to settle this once and for all. Honestly, a few weeks ago I wouldn't even know where to start.
Dr. Gottman gives us some important information to help. He instructs, "To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn't aware of, hasn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect. By dreams I mean hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 238).
The very deepest of our dreams are often rooted in our childhood.
Dr. Gottman teaches us the steps for working on gridlocked marital issues in four steps. I have outlined a little bit of what my husband and I have done for our disagreement on sleepovers.
Step 1: Explore the Dreams
Brandon: "A lot of my fondest memories with my friends were at sleepovers. My friends and I always had so much fun together and I want our children to have friends that they will have as much fun with. I think about our kids and want them to have the same fun childhood that I did."
Ashley (me): "While I have a lot of fond memories from having sleepovers with my friends, what I remember most is all of the trouble we caused. There's something that happens when the parents go to bed and the pre-teens find themselves alone at one in the morning. Kids who were usually well-behaved (like myself) suddenly get an urge to create mischief. Along with that, there were many conversations that happened between me and my friends that should never have happened. It was at these sleepovers that I was first introduced to pornography, immorality in movies, temptation to consume alcohol and other things that were not good for me, and other things. When I think about our children, I don't want to willingly put them in a situation where they have to face those kinds of things (even though I know they will face it at school and in the world)."
This is kind of a nutshell version of what our opinions and discussion was (you'll notice my husband's is much shorter than mine... he is a man of few words). From this, I hope you can get the jist of what our dreams are in regard to the issue at hand. You will notice that our dreams are strongly rooted in our childhood memories.
Step 2: Soothe
Sometimes discussing sensitive topics such as this can be challenging, especially if you are prone to escalated emotions. It is important for each spouse to be aware of how they are feeling during the discussion. If things are getting heated, don't be afraid to step away for 20 minutes to cool things down or simply to stop the discussion and spend some quality time together. You can always pick right back up where you left off.
Step 3: Reach a Temporary Compromise
Make a list of things that you absolutely cannot compromise on, and make another list of the things that you can be flexible about. Try your absolute hardest to make the list of things you are not willing to compromise on as short as possible, with the list of things you can be flexible about as long as you want. When my husband and I did this, we came up with the following lists...
Brandon
Things he cannot compromise
Allowing our kids freedom to spend time with their friends
Things that are flexible
The actual time our children are needed home in the evenings
Ashley
Things I cannot compromise
Having my children home at night
Things that are flexible
Allowing late-nights with a previously decided curfew determined for each child
Having sleepovers with cousins and grandparents as we see appropriate
From this, my husband and I were able to come to a temporary compromise. He is willing to disallow sleepovers, as long as we allow our children to occasionally participate in "late-nights" with their friends (where they are allowed to hang out with their friends later than usual, without actually spending the night).
Step 4: Say "Thank You"
Not every issue will be as easy to figure out as this one was (and let me just say, that this issue was actually surprisingly easy to figure out. When I voiced my concerns to my husband using Gottman's suggestions, he actually realized that he was concerned about some of those same things... it's a miracle!) but if you follow these steps, it will help shed some light on you and your spouses dreams.
It is important to end it all on a positive note, so make sure you express appreciation (be specific!) after having discussions like this with your spouse. Express appreciation for their willingness to compromise, or maybe even just for their willingness to have the discussion with you in the first place! Whatever it is, be grateful for it and express that gratitude to them.
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
1. We've had the same argument over and over again with no resolution.
2. Neither the husband nor the wife can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing over time.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would been giving up something that is important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.
Pretty much any conflict in marriage CAN grow into a gridlock if we allow it to. Let me share an example of a conflict that has been ever present in my marriage (which I don't believe has turned into a gridlock YET because it doesn't fit into category #2).
My husband thinks it's perfectly okay if our children have sleepovers with their friends once they are about 8 years old. I do not think that sleepovers are appropriate and I want my children to be in our home at night.
This has been something we have argued (mostly casually) about for the full seven years we've been married. We argued and disagreed on this topic before we even had children! Now that our oldest is almost 6, it's probably time for us to settle this once and for all. Honestly, a few weeks ago I wouldn't even know where to start.
Dr. Gottman gives us some important information to help. He instructs, "To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn't aware of, hasn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect. By dreams I mean hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 238).
The very deepest of our dreams are often rooted in our childhood.
Dr. Gottman teaches us the steps for working on gridlocked marital issues in four steps. I have outlined a little bit of what my husband and I have done for our disagreement on sleepovers.
Step 1: Explore the Dreams
Brandon: "A lot of my fondest memories with my friends were at sleepovers. My friends and I always had so much fun together and I want our children to have friends that they will have as much fun with. I think about our kids and want them to have the same fun childhood that I did."
Ashley (me): "While I have a lot of fond memories from having sleepovers with my friends, what I remember most is all of the trouble we caused. There's something that happens when the parents go to bed and the pre-teens find themselves alone at one in the morning. Kids who were usually well-behaved (like myself) suddenly get an urge to create mischief. Along with that, there were many conversations that happened between me and my friends that should never have happened. It was at these sleepovers that I was first introduced to pornography, immorality in movies, temptation to consume alcohol and other things that were not good for me, and other things. When I think about our children, I don't want to willingly put them in a situation where they have to face those kinds of things (even though I know they will face it at school and in the world)."
This is kind of a nutshell version of what our opinions and discussion was (you'll notice my husband's is much shorter than mine... he is a man of few words). From this, I hope you can get the jist of what our dreams are in regard to the issue at hand. You will notice that our dreams are strongly rooted in our childhood memories.
Step 2: Soothe
Sometimes discussing sensitive topics such as this can be challenging, especially if you are prone to escalated emotions. It is important for each spouse to be aware of how they are feeling during the discussion. If things are getting heated, don't be afraid to step away for 20 minutes to cool things down or simply to stop the discussion and spend some quality time together. You can always pick right back up where you left off.
Step 3: Reach a Temporary Compromise
Make a list of things that you absolutely cannot compromise on, and make another list of the things that you can be flexible about. Try your absolute hardest to make the list of things you are not willing to compromise on as short as possible, with the list of things you can be flexible about as long as you want. When my husband and I did this, we came up with the following lists...
Brandon
Things he cannot compromise
Allowing our kids freedom to spend time with their friends
Things that are flexible
The actual time our children are needed home in the evenings
Ashley
Things I cannot compromise
Having my children home at night
Things that are flexible
Allowing late-nights with a previously decided curfew determined for each child
Having sleepovers with cousins and grandparents as we see appropriate
From this, my husband and I were able to come to a temporary compromise. He is willing to disallow sleepovers, as long as we allow our children to occasionally participate in "late-nights" with their friends (where they are allowed to hang out with their friends later than usual, without actually spending the night).
Step 4: Say "Thank You"
Not every issue will be as easy to figure out as this one was (and let me just say, that this issue was actually surprisingly easy to figure out. When I voiced my concerns to my husband using Gottman's suggestions, he actually realized that he was concerned about some of those same things... it's a miracle!) but if you follow these steps, it will help shed some light on you and your spouses dreams.
It is important to end it all on a positive note, so make sure you express appreciation (be specific!) after having discussions like this with your spouse. Express appreciation for their willingness to compromise, or maybe even just for their willingness to have the discussion with you in the first place! Whatever it is, be grateful for it and express that gratitude to them.
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
Friday, November 10, 2017
Having a Sense of Humor
Marriage is all about giving and sacrifice. I know that doesn't always sound like very much fun, but it's a simple fact. Happy couples give everything to their spouses, without expecting anything in return (except for maybe, you know, expecting them to keep their marital covenants).
Sometimes in marriage, we may feel entitled to certain behaviors or actions from our spouse. Not only that, but we may feel that we don't have to give all.
Dr. H.W. Goddard said,
"There is a popular trend toward encouraging equity in marriage. The emphasis is on sharing household duties in fair ways. There is a lot of merit in having men contribute more to the many household tasks that make a house run smoothly. In most cases women are badly overloaded and men are under-involved at home. Remedying the imbalance is worthy.
"The problem with equity is in the inevitable score-keeping that accompanies efforts toward it. Seeking equity encourages people to think about and value their own contributions. At the same time, humans almost always under-notice and under-appreciate the efforts of others. Anything that encourages this natural-man tendency is destructive" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 107).
Have you ever done this "score-keeping" in your marriage. I hope you haven't, but I'd be willing to bet that you have (I've done it, even though I wish I could say I haven't).
Seeking equity in marriage (in the way that Goddard explained it) is just one of the many many perpetual problems that may exist in a marriage. According to Dr. John Gottman, perpetual problems "will be a part of your lives forever in some form or another" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 137).
If you're like me at all, you may find the idea of "forever problems" in your marriage a little overwhelming. The important thing to remember is that just because a problem is classified as "perpetual," that doesn't mean that it is going to destroy your marriage. There are ways to work with these problems, even if they are not solved completely.
Perpetual problems come in many different varieties. Perhaps a wife wants a baby, but her husband isn't so sure he wants to have children. Maybe one spouse wants physical intimacy more than the other. Maybe a wife is a neat-freak and her husband is just a little bit more of a slob (can anyone relate to this one? I can!). Some couples disagree on religion. Others disagree on parenting methods.
The list could go on and on and on about the perpetual problems that can exist in any given marriage.
So what do we do about these problems? It is difficult to solve them completely as there is always some underlying dilemma or emotion that triggers the problem in the first place.
*Note: This is in contrast to solvable problems, which are those in which the conflict is focused solely on a problem at hand. An example of a solvable problem would be if it is my husband's job to take out the garbage and he forgets once because he has been really overwhelmed lately. The issue is just that he forgot to take it out once. Now, a perpetual problem might be if he was continually neglecting the garbage. An underlying dilemma here could be our differences in housekeeping standards and me feeling underappreciated because I "have to do all of the work around here."*
Now back to handling perpetual problems. It may seem there is no hope.
"My husband will never want a baby. He will always want intimacy more than I do. He is always going to be a slob. He will always want to raise our children in a different religion. And we will always disagree on parenting methods."
And perhaps these might be true in some marriages. But should this keep us from having a happy marriage? Of course not!
According to Gottman, marriages with the problems listed above can still be satisfying because the couples "have learned to keep [the problems] in their place and approach them with a sense of humor" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 138).
Did you get that? We should have a sense of humor! How important that is!
President Gordon B. Hinckley taught us about the importance of having a sense of humor. He speaks mostly of the challenges that arise in daily life, although the same concept can be applied in our marriages. The following clip is from the 1981 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He relates a story of a man trying to fix a building - and cracks himself up while telling it.
*Note: President Hinckley shared this story at a BYU devotional as well in which he talks more about having a sense of humor. (To read the BYU devotional talk, click here.) The clip you are about to watch is from the General Conference talk "4 B's For Boys" (To read this talk, click here.) - he does not relate it to having a sense of humor in this talk, but this is the best clip I could find of the story and half the fun is watching him laugh his way through it! Enjoy... it's a good one!
Before telling the story at BYU, President Hinckley said, "I think I know something of the frustrations of life in general. I have had my head bumped and my shins barked. On some of these occasions when I have needed a laugh, I have turned to a letter which I think is something of a classic..."
How wonderful that a prophet of the Lord encourages us to have a sense of humor! Surely he does not mean that a sense of humor is only important outside of marriage. We can use humor to enhance our own marriages and to cope and deal with the many perpetual problems that we each face.
According to Gottman, couples who have satisfying marriages "intuitively understand that some difficulties are inevitable, much the way chronic physical ailments are unavoidable as you get older... We may not enjoy having these problems, but we are able to cope by avoiding situations that worsen them, and by developing strategies and routines that help ease them." In addition, these couples are "constantly working it out, for the most part good-naturedly" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 139).
May we all strive to handle the problems that arise with a smile and a laugh and a good sense of humor!
References
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
Sometimes in marriage, we may feel entitled to certain behaviors or actions from our spouse. Not only that, but we may feel that we don't have to give all.
Dr. H.W. Goddard said,
"There is a popular trend toward encouraging equity in marriage. The emphasis is on sharing household duties in fair ways. There is a lot of merit in having men contribute more to the many household tasks that make a house run smoothly. In most cases women are badly overloaded and men are under-involved at home. Remedying the imbalance is worthy.
"The problem with equity is in the inevitable score-keeping that accompanies efforts toward it. Seeking equity encourages people to think about and value their own contributions. At the same time, humans almost always under-notice and under-appreciate the efforts of others. Anything that encourages this natural-man tendency is destructive" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 107).
Have you ever done this "score-keeping" in your marriage. I hope you haven't, but I'd be willing to bet that you have (I've done it, even though I wish I could say I haven't).
Seeking equity in marriage (in the way that Goddard explained it) is just one of the many many perpetual problems that may exist in a marriage. According to Dr. John Gottman, perpetual problems "will be a part of your lives forever in some form or another" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 137).
If you're like me at all, you may find the idea of "forever problems" in your marriage a little overwhelming. The important thing to remember is that just because a problem is classified as "perpetual," that doesn't mean that it is going to destroy your marriage. There are ways to work with these problems, even if they are not solved completely.
Perpetual problems come in many different varieties. Perhaps a wife wants a baby, but her husband isn't so sure he wants to have children. Maybe one spouse wants physical intimacy more than the other. Maybe a wife is a neat-freak and her husband is just a little bit more of a slob (can anyone relate to this one? I can!). Some couples disagree on religion. Others disagree on parenting methods.
The list could go on and on and on about the perpetual problems that can exist in any given marriage.
So what do we do about these problems? It is difficult to solve them completely as there is always some underlying dilemma or emotion that triggers the problem in the first place.
*Note: This is in contrast to solvable problems, which are those in which the conflict is focused solely on a problem at hand. An example of a solvable problem would be if it is my husband's job to take out the garbage and he forgets once because he has been really overwhelmed lately. The issue is just that he forgot to take it out once. Now, a perpetual problem might be if he was continually neglecting the garbage. An underlying dilemma here could be our differences in housekeeping standards and me feeling underappreciated because I "have to do all of the work around here."*
Now back to handling perpetual problems. It may seem there is no hope.
"My husband will never want a baby. He will always want intimacy more than I do. He is always going to be a slob. He will always want to raise our children in a different religion. And we will always disagree on parenting methods."
And perhaps these might be true in some marriages. But should this keep us from having a happy marriage? Of course not!
According to Gottman, marriages with the problems listed above can still be satisfying because the couples "have learned to keep [the problems] in their place and approach them with a sense of humor" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 138).
Did you get that? We should have a sense of humor! How important that is!
President Gordon B. Hinckley taught us about the importance of having a sense of humor. He speaks mostly of the challenges that arise in daily life, although the same concept can be applied in our marriages. The following clip is from the 1981 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He relates a story of a man trying to fix a building - and cracks himself up while telling it.
*Note: President Hinckley shared this story at a BYU devotional as well in which he talks more about having a sense of humor. (To read the BYU devotional talk, click here.) The clip you are about to watch is from the General Conference talk "4 B's For Boys" (To read this talk, click here.) - he does not relate it to having a sense of humor in this talk, but this is the best clip I could find of the story and half the fun is watching him laugh his way through it! Enjoy... it's a good one!
Before telling the story at BYU, President Hinckley said, "I think I know something of the frustrations of life in general. I have had my head bumped and my shins barked. On some of these occasions when I have needed a laugh, I have turned to a letter which I think is something of a classic..."
How wonderful that a prophet of the Lord encourages us to have a sense of humor! Surely he does not mean that a sense of humor is only important outside of marriage. We can use humor to enhance our own marriages and to cope and deal with the many perpetual problems that we each face.
According to Gottman, couples who have satisfying marriages "intuitively understand that some difficulties are inevitable, much the way chronic physical ailments are unavoidable as you get older... We may not enjoy having these problems, but we are able to cope by avoiding situations that worsen them, and by developing strategies and routines that help ease them." In addition, these couples are "constantly working it out, for the most part good-naturedly" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 139).
May we all strive to handle the problems that arise with a smile and a laugh and a good sense of humor!
References
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
Friday, November 3, 2017
Pride. Just don't have it, man.
Seriously, though, just don't be prideful. Simple, right?
I wish that's all we had to say about it. Judging from how members of the Church call pride the "universal sin," though, I think that simply telling everyone to beware of pride isn't enough.
Pride is interesting. It encompasses a lot of things. It's the opposite of humility. It's an attitude that will never bring us happiness. It doesn't deal only with our actions, but with the motives behind those actions.
Ezra Taft Benson, former President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints told us that "pride is a very misunderstood sin" (to read his talk "Beware of Pride" in its entirety, click here). I cannot say that I disagree with him on that conclusion. The more I learn about pride, the more I realize I am guilty of pride. We must understand what constitutes as pride so that we may avoid feeling prideful (which is definitely easier said than done). President Benson lends some more clarity on the subject...
"Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sen, but the heart, or core, is still missing. The central feature of pride is enmity... Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.' ...Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God's. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of 'my will and not thine be done.' ...Our will in competition to God's will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled. The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives. They pit their perceptions of truth against God's great knowledge, their abilities versus God's priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works. Our enmity toward God takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers. The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren't interested in changing their opinions to agree with God's. ...The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others."
Have your attitude and feelings ever matched any of these things being described? (And don't you dare lie and say that you have never felt this way - pride is the universal sin, remember?)
But what does this have to do with marriage?
If you're married, you can probably think of a number of ways this applies to marriage. If you aren't married, maybe you have no clue (or maybe you do!).
It should come as no surprise that marriage is hard. I've said this before. If you're married, then you've experienced some measure of hardship first-hand. When two very different people combine their lives and try to mesh their hopes and dreams and lifestyles, there is bound to be some challenges that arise and I can guarantee that pride will play a role in every marriage.
The "natural man" is prideful and we must try to overcome this natural tendency in our marriages. Goddard offers us some information on how we just do this. He says that we must "[get] heaven's perspective and [be] open to our partner's point of view" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 79). As we look back on President Benson's talk, we can see that the key to getting heaven's perspective is humility. When we put the Lord's will above our own and continue with faith in Him, we gain new perspective and will come to understand that His ways are not the same as our ways.
In our marriages, gaining heaven's perspective is necessary to help us understand the importance of marriage. It helps us see the divine purposes and eternal nature of the family. We are more willing to fight through the challenges that arise when we understand marriage from a celestial perspective.
But what about the other side of Goddard's way to overcome pride in our marriage? He says we must be open to our partner's point of view.
Dr. Gottman sees the importance of this as well and says, "the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those in which the husband [and wife] did not resist sharing power and decision making... When the couple disagreed, [they] actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 116-117).
This is one of the keys to a happy marriage. Couples must be able to take their spouse's opinions and thoughts and feelings into consideration and there is really no excuse for not taking them into account. Gottman goes on to say that "some men claim that religious conviction requires them to be in control of their marriages and, by extension, their wives. But no religion I know of says that a man should be a bully... All spiritual views of life are consistent with loving and esteeming your spouse. And that's what accepting influence is all about" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 118-119).
Notice how Gottman didn't say that in order to allow your spouse to influence you, you must be in complete agreement with everything they say or do. Because that's just silly. It's never going to happen. What is important is that we are willing to compromise and meet our spouse in an area of common ground so that conflicts can be solved in a way where both parties are satisfied.
I think it is important to point out that expressing negative emotions occasionally does not mean that your marriage is on a down-ward spiral toward divorce. According to Gottman "marriages can survive plenty of flashes of anger, complaints, even criticisms. Trying to suppress negative feelings in your spouse's presence wouldn't be good for your marriage or your blood pressure" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 120). But we must know that problems come when one spouse's annoyance or dissatisfaction is met by the other spouse with attitudes and actions that escalate the problem, rather than help resolve it.
So how can we prevent these attitudes (which will arise) from escalating the problem into a full on brawl between a husband and wife?
*hint: what is this post all about?
That's right - we need to avoid pride!
It takes humility to admit we are wrong. It takes humility to be complained about and not get angry. It takes humility to allow our spouse's opinions to influence our thoughts and actions. It takes a ridiculous amount of humility to go with your spouse's opinion, rather than your own. But, according, to Gottman, "the fundamental difference between [spouses] who accept influence and those who don't is that the former have learned that often in life you need to yield in order to win" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 125, emphasis added).
Avoiding pride in marriage is never going to be easy. It's always going to be an uphill battle for each and every one of us. There will always be moments when we feel frustrated with our spouse. We will feel that we know more or better than them. We will feel totally validated in our frustrations toward them. But it is something that we need to continually improve, hard as it is.
Marriage is worth this. Your marriage is worth this fight. So take a look in the mirror; drop your pride; see your spouse the way the Lord sees them. As we try to overcome pride within our marriage, incredible things will begin to happen in our relationships!
References
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
I wish that's all we had to say about it. Judging from how members of the Church call pride the "universal sin," though, I think that simply telling everyone to beware of pride isn't enough.
Pride is interesting. It encompasses a lot of things. It's the opposite of humility. It's an attitude that will never bring us happiness. It doesn't deal only with our actions, but with the motives behind those actions.
Ezra Taft Benson, former President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints told us that "pride is a very misunderstood sin" (to read his talk "Beware of Pride" in its entirety, click here). I cannot say that I disagree with him on that conclusion. The more I learn about pride, the more I realize I am guilty of pride. We must understand what constitutes as pride so that we may avoid feeling prideful (which is definitely easier said than done). President Benson lends some more clarity on the subject...
"Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sen, but the heart, or core, is still missing. The central feature of pride is enmity... Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.' ...Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God's. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of 'my will and not thine be done.' ...Our will in competition to God's will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled. The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives. They pit their perceptions of truth against God's great knowledge, their abilities versus God's priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works. Our enmity toward God takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers. The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren't interested in changing their opinions to agree with God's. ...The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others."
Have your attitude and feelings ever matched any of these things being described? (And don't you dare lie and say that you have never felt this way - pride is the universal sin, remember?)
But what does this have to do with marriage?
If you're married, you can probably think of a number of ways this applies to marriage. If you aren't married, maybe you have no clue (or maybe you do!).
It should come as no surprise that marriage is hard. I've said this before. If you're married, then you've experienced some measure of hardship first-hand. When two very different people combine their lives and try to mesh their hopes and dreams and lifestyles, there is bound to be some challenges that arise and I can guarantee that pride will play a role in every marriage.
The "natural man" is prideful and we must try to overcome this natural tendency in our marriages. Goddard offers us some information on how we just do this. He says that we must "[get] heaven's perspective and [be] open to our partner's point of view" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 79). As we look back on President Benson's talk, we can see that the key to getting heaven's perspective is humility. When we put the Lord's will above our own and continue with faith in Him, we gain new perspective and will come to understand that His ways are not the same as our ways.
In our marriages, gaining heaven's perspective is necessary to help us understand the importance of marriage. It helps us see the divine purposes and eternal nature of the family. We are more willing to fight through the challenges that arise when we understand marriage from a celestial perspective.
But what about the other side of Goddard's way to overcome pride in our marriage? He says we must be open to our partner's point of view.
Dr. Gottman sees the importance of this as well and says, "the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those in which the husband [and wife] did not resist sharing power and decision making... When the couple disagreed, [they] actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 116-117).
This is one of the keys to a happy marriage. Couples must be able to take their spouse's opinions and thoughts and feelings into consideration and there is really no excuse for not taking them into account. Gottman goes on to say that "some men claim that religious conviction requires them to be in control of their marriages and, by extension, their wives. But no religion I know of says that a man should be a bully... All spiritual views of life are consistent with loving and esteeming your spouse. And that's what accepting influence is all about" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 118-119).
Notice how Gottman didn't say that in order to allow your spouse to influence you, you must be in complete agreement with everything they say or do. Because that's just silly. It's never going to happen. What is important is that we are willing to compromise and meet our spouse in an area of common ground so that conflicts can be solved in a way where both parties are satisfied.
I think it is important to point out that expressing negative emotions occasionally does not mean that your marriage is on a down-ward spiral toward divorce. According to Gottman "marriages can survive plenty of flashes of anger, complaints, even criticisms. Trying to suppress negative feelings in your spouse's presence wouldn't be good for your marriage or your blood pressure" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 120). But we must know that problems come when one spouse's annoyance or dissatisfaction is met by the other spouse with attitudes and actions that escalate the problem, rather than help resolve it.
So how can we prevent these attitudes (which will arise) from escalating the problem into a full on brawl between a husband and wife?
*hint: what is this post all about?
That's right - we need to avoid pride!
It takes humility to admit we are wrong. It takes humility to be complained about and not get angry. It takes humility to allow our spouse's opinions to influence our thoughts and actions. It takes a ridiculous amount of humility to go with your spouse's opinion, rather than your own. But, according, to Gottman, "the fundamental difference between [spouses] who accept influence and those who don't is that the former have learned that often in life you need to yield in order to win" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 125, emphasis added).
Avoiding pride in marriage is never going to be easy. It's always going to be an uphill battle for each and every one of us. There will always be moments when we feel frustrated with our spouse. We will feel that we know more or better than them. We will feel totally validated in our frustrations toward them. But it is something that we need to continually improve, hard as it is.
Marriage is worth this. Your marriage is worth this fight. So take a look in the mirror; drop your pride; see your spouse the way the Lord sees them. As we try to overcome pride within our marriage, incredible things will begin to happen in our relationships!
References
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
Thursday, October 26, 2017
Turning Toward your Spouse
The keys to a happy, long-lasting marriage are spontaneity, passion, and endless amounts of money and free time to spend just to focus on your relationship. Right?
At least, that is the message that we tend to get when watching TV or a movie. Is this "passionate love" really going to keep a marriage thriving through the many challenges that each one will inevitably face? Probably not. In fact, Dr. John Gottman says that the real passion that keeps marriage alive is far less dramatic. He says,
"Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. In marriage, couples are always making what I call 'bids' for each others attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub, or as significant as seeking to help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 88).
Gottman goes on to share an experience he had where he was in tune with his wife's needs and answered her bid for help and attention. One day he heard his wife quietly grumbling over the laundry as she was unloading the dryer. Perhaps you've heard your spouse do something similar. Did you stop to help them or see what was the matter? Or did you brush off their grumbling? Dr. Gottman inquired what was the matter and his wife simply explained that she didn't mind doing laundry, but she hated folding it. To that, Dr. Gottman grabbed the laundry and started folding (definitely winning "husband of the year" award in the process). Eventually, his wife made her way into the room and they began talking which transitioned into them deciding to go out to their favorite jazz club that night. Dr. Gottman said, "In the end, my turning toward that pile of laundry turned out to be very romantic for us" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 90).
I grew up with five brothers. For those who don't know what it's like to grow up with five brothers, let me give you a little taste of what it was like (at least, for me). Everything was a competition. When dinner time came around, I would shovel my food into my mouth as quickly as I could because I knew that if I didn't hurry and get the food I wanted, my brothers would surely eat it all! They were bottomless pits, they were. In addition to that, as [almost] the middle child of seven, I felt that I had to fight for attention.
What does this have to do with turning toward our spouse? It doesn't really have anything to do with it. But the affect that this childhood had on me has everything to do with it.
These things have turned me into kind of a selfish person. I'm all for taking responsibility for our own actions. Therefore, I don't blame my selfishness on my brothers or my parents. But, I acknowledge that those experiences shaped this selfish human being that I can be sometimes.
Selfishness is a killer to a marriage. I won't go into all of the problems that have come from my selfishness over the seven years I've been married (for one because this would turn into a novel, and also because I'm too embarrassed to admit to some of my selfishness). Thankfully, I have a very selfless husband and so we balance each other out. HOWEVER, selfishness is something I have been constantly working on since I got married. I'm happy to report that I have improved some.
In order to truly turn toward our spouse, we need to overcome these feelings of selfishness and entitlement. Especially when children come along, it's important to let go of those things. As a mother, I have to give my all every single day (in fact, I dare say that some days I have to give even more than I feel I have capacity to give), but I need to make sure that I'm also giving my all to my marriage.
My goal for this week has been to watch for those "bids" that my husband sends me - whether obvious or not - and to respond to them. It's amazing the changes in my attitude that come when I am diligent about meeting my husband's needs. And you know what is even more incredible? He started answering my bids more, even though he wasn't really aware that I was making a conscious effort to answer his! Dr. Gottman says that turning toward one another is "like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 89). I am excited to see how much more this practice affects my marriage for the better.
Part of overcoming selfishness is understanding where our priorities should be. Many parents believe that their children are generally their first priority. They would be wrong. Your marriage should be above your children in priority, but even your marriage isn't really what should be first in your life.
Ezra Taft Benson, former President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 57).
How beautiful is that? We have a promise that as we put the Lord first, all other things will fall into place or fall out of our lives completely. Have you experienced this in your life? I believe very strongly that as we put the Lord first, our marriages will improve. Because God supports marriage. He sustains it. It is ordained of God. As we turn to the Lord, we naturally turn toward our spouse and want to make them happy. We want to improve our relationship and deepen our friendship. We want to look past those small things that irritate us and we can look beyond them!
Dr. H. Wallace Goddard explained what happens if we cannot look past those small irritations...
"Marriage is full of tempests in teapots. We bristle over our partner's work choice or disinterest in our story. We fret and complain about this purchase or that insensitivity. We grumble about a chore neglected or a kindness unappreciated. We may be bothered by indecisiveness, hygiene, grammar, food preferences, clothing style, personality, lack of religiosity, stubbornness... the list is endless! Over time we transform irritations into evils.With time we come to think of our partners as disappointments or failures" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 58, emphasis added).
Did you cringe a little bit at reading that? I certainly did the first time I read it. How many times have I taken one of my husband's small faults and turned it into a thing of evil? Instead of just thinking "He forgot to take out the trash - he must be distracted. I had better see what is wrong" I think, "He forgot to take out the trash because he just thinks I should do all of the housework. He's so selfish." (For the record, I don't think I've ever had this exact thought, but others similar to this.) Suddenly my husband isn't just a man who works graveyards to support his family and is pretty much constantly exhausted - he's selfish and he doesn't want to help around the house.
I'm sure you can see the danger in turning these simple irritations into evils.
So what can we do to battle these feelings of irritation and to turn toward our spouse?
According to Goddard, the answer is simple. We must center our faith and our lives on Jesus Christ and if we do that, "nothing can ever go permanently wrong" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 66).
References
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
At least, that is the message that we tend to get when watching TV or a movie. Is this "passionate love" really going to keep a marriage thriving through the many challenges that each one will inevitably face? Probably not. In fact, Dr. John Gottman says that the real passion that keeps marriage alive is far less dramatic. He says,
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| Humphrey Bogart & Ingrid Bergman Image from here. |
Gottman goes on to share an experience he had where he was in tune with his wife's needs and answered her bid for help and attention. One day he heard his wife quietly grumbling over the laundry as she was unloading the dryer. Perhaps you've heard your spouse do something similar. Did you stop to help them or see what was the matter? Or did you brush off their grumbling? Dr. Gottman inquired what was the matter and his wife simply explained that she didn't mind doing laundry, but she hated folding it. To that, Dr. Gottman grabbed the laundry and started folding (definitely winning "husband of the year" award in the process). Eventually, his wife made her way into the room and they began talking which transitioned into them deciding to go out to their favorite jazz club that night. Dr. Gottman said, "In the end, my turning toward that pile of laundry turned out to be very romantic for us" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 90).
I grew up with five brothers. For those who don't know what it's like to grow up with five brothers, let me give you a little taste of what it was like (at least, for me). Everything was a competition. When dinner time came around, I would shovel my food into my mouth as quickly as I could because I knew that if I didn't hurry and get the food I wanted, my brothers would surely eat it all! They were bottomless pits, they were. In addition to that, as [almost] the middle child of seven, I felt that I had to fight for attention.
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| Me and four of my brothers (2008) beating up on each other... |
These things have turned me into kind of a selfish person. I'm all for taking responsibility for our own actions. Therefore, I don't blame my selfishness on my brothers or my parents. But, I acknowledge that those experiences shaped this selfish human being that I can be sometimes.
Selfishness is a killer to a marriage. I won't go into all of the problems that have come from my selfishness over the seven years I've been married (for one because this would turn into a novel, and also because I'm too embarrassed to admit to some of my selfishness). Thankfully, I have a very selfless husband and so we balance each other out. HOWEVER, selfishness is something I have been constantly working on since I got married. I'm happy to report that I have improved some.
In order to truly turn toward our spouse, we need to overcome these feelings of selfishness and entitlement. Especially when children come along, it's important to let go of those things. As a mother, I have to give my all every single day (in fact, I dare say that some days I have to give even more than I feel I have capacity to give), but I need to make sure that I'm also giving my all to my marriage.
My goal for this week has been to watch for those "bids" that my husband sends me - whether obvious or not - and to respond to them. It's amazing the changes in my attitude that come when I am diligent about meeting my husband's needs. And you know what is even more incredible? He started answering my bids more, even though he wasn't really aware that I was making a conscious effort to answer his! Dr. Gottman says that turning toward one another is "like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 89). I am excited to see how much more this practice affects my marriage for the better.
Part of overcoming selfishness is understanding where our priorities should be. Many parents believe that their children are generally their first priority. They would be wrong. Your marriage should be above your children in priority, but even your marriage isn't really what should be first in your life.
Ezra Taft Benson, former President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 57).
How beautiful is that? We have a promise that as we put the Lord first, all other things will fall into place or fall out of our lives completely. Have you experienced this in your life? I believe very strongly that as we put the Lord first, our marriages will improve. Because God supports marriage. He sustains it. It is ordained of God. As we turn to the Lord, we naturally turn toward our spouse and want to make them happy. We want to improve our relationship and deepen our friendship. We want to look past those small things that irritate us and we can look beyond them!
Dr. H. Wallace Goddard explained what happens if we cannot look past those small irritations...
Did you cringe a little bit at reading that? I certainly did the first time I read it. How many times have I taken one of my husband's small faults and turned it into a thing of evil? Instead of just thinking "He forgot to take out the trash - he must be distracted. I had better see what is wrong" I think, "He forgot to take out the trash because he just thinks I should do all of the housework. He's so selfish." (For the record, I don't think I've ever had this exact thought, but others similar to this.) Suddenly my husband isn't just a man who works graveyards to support his family and is pretty much constantly exhausted - he's selfish and he doesn't want to help around the house.
I'm sure you can see the danger in turning these simple irritations into evils.
So what can we do to battle these feelings of irritation and to turn toward our spouse?
According to Goddard, the answer is simple. We must center our faith and our lives on Jesus Christ and if we do that, "nothing can ever go permanently wrong" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 66).
References
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
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