Family Councils

An important aspect of marriage that is often overlooked is the practice of having Family Councils. These councils can include just a husband and wife, or may include the children as well. Those present depends on the needs of the family at the time, though couples are encouraged to hold Family Councils in one form or another.

Elder M. Russell Ballard (1994) tells us a little bit about the councils that the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles have each week. This is a good outline for us to follow in our own Family Councils.

• An agenda for the meeting is passed out the night before.
• When they first meet together, they express love and appreciation for each other.
• They have an opening prayer.
• The President of the Twelve addresses each item on the agenda.
• Each item is presented for discussion.
• The Brethren express their thoughts and feelings on each matter.
• They discuss with the spirit, instead of allowing personal feelings get in the way.
• When there is a sense of unity on a topic, the President or another member of the Twelve may make a recommendation.
• Members vote on the recommendation and it must be unanimous.
• If there is still some disagreement, the topic is discussed more until an agreement can be made.

My husband and I have practiced Family Councils throughout much of our marriage. Our councils - which are usually made up of just my husband and I, but occasionally our children are included as well - are often not as formal as the outline above, but the same basic principles apply. We try to discuss what needs to be discussed with a spirit of love and a willingness to compromise and do what the Lord would have us do. There have been times when discussions have gotten a little heated and we have had to learn to step back and take a breather so as to prevent any big conflict from arising.

What have we learned from these councils?

I think for me, it helps to have a time and day set apart to talk about important issues. I can say "We need to talk about this and that" all I want, but the fact is that if we don't have a specific time set aside for discussion, we won't ever have the talk. When we are planning our councils, we write it on the calendar just as we would any other appointment. We don't allow anything to get in the way of our council (with the exception a few years ago when our daughter cracked her head on the side of the bed and had to go to the E.R....) and we make it a priority.

My husband says that the biggest influence these councils have had on him is that it forces him to talk about the issues that he doesn't really want to talk about. He doesn't like to discuss the difficult topics like finances and parenting, but he knows that it is necessary to discuss these things.

These meetings also give each of us the opportunity to bring the other one up to speed on our lives. With school and work and three kids, sometimes it can feel like we are living parallel to each other without really being involved in each others lives. Our council meetings are a time when we can let each other know what we have going on in the next week, and express concerns and get support for all of the tasks we must complete.

Another thing these councils have done for my husband and I (and this is probably the most important thing they have done for me) is that they have brought a sense of unity and equality to my marriage. It helps us to recognize the contributions that we each make to our marriage and family and it helps us to refrain from pulling rank in our marriage.

Rick Miller teaches us about this specific principle,

"Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between husband and wife. Many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship. Research makes it very clear that issues about power is predictive of marital problems" (Miller, 2008, page 3).

He goes on, quoting Carlfred Broderick who said,

"In your family when there is a decision to be made that affects everyone, you and your wife together will seek whatever counsel you might need and together you will prayerfully come to a unified decision. If you ever pull priesthood rank on her, you will have failed in your leadership" (Miller, 2008, page 5).

Marriage is a partnership between man and woman and neither husband nor wife is more important or above the other. Participating in weekly Family Councils where issues are discussed openly, freely, and with the spirit will help to solidify these equal roles in a marriage.

If you have problems that need addressing, do it in a Family Council.

If you feel like your relationships are perfect (because, NEWSFLASH - they aren't perfect), still start having Family Councils.

I can tell you from personal experiences that, if done correctly, these councils will do so much good in your marriage. It will give you the opportunity to voice your concerns and stresses and will open the doors for problems to be resolved.

References

Ballard, M. R. (1994). Counseling with our councils. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1994/04/counseling-with-our-councils?lang=eng

Miller, R. B. (2008). Who is the boss? Power relationships in families. Given at the BYU Conference on Family Life, March 28, 2008.