Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

Last week we talked about what John M. Gottman calls "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." Maybe it's just me, but I found it to be kind of depressing, honestly. I think it's because it all focused around things that we shouldn't do in our marriage. And, since none of us are perfect, we've probably all experienced at least one of the four horsemen at some point in our marriage.

With the depressing nature of last week's lesson behind us, I'm excited to share this week's information with you: nurturing fondness and admiration.

The way I see it, we can be told what not to do over and over and over again, but it won't do a lick of good until we know what we are supposed to do. And that's what this week's lesson is all about.

John M. Gottman explains, "If a couple still has a functioning fondness and admiration system, their marriage is salvageable. I'm not suggesting that the road to reviving a marriage... is easy. But it can be done" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, pg.68).

What does it mean to have a "functioning fondness and admiration system?"



I don't know about you, but I have definitely seen couples like the ones that he is describing - those who seem to have little to no affection for each other. How important is affection, fondness, and admiration in a marriage?

Gottman goes on to tell us that, "Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner's personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. They cherish each other, which is critical... If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, pg.69).

Because at that point - when there is no fondness or admiration - why would you want to revive your marriage? If there is no love and respect present, staying with that person could seem like more of a chore than anything else.

So how do we nurture our marriage so that fondness and admiration abound? Gottman gives us some direction here.

Learning from History
Have you ever sat with your spouse, just talking about the "good ol' days" when you were dating, engaged, newly married, new parents, etc.? How did you feel while having that conversation? Did you remember a lot of happy and funny things that happened? Or were those memories filled with negativity and remember everything that went wrong?

Picture from here.

My husband and I have had many of these conversations. This sounds cheesy and maybe a little immature to say, but whenever we do, I always get butterflies in my stomach - just like I used to when we were dating! I never recognized it before, but that is because my husband and I have a "reserve of good feeling" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, pg.71). Those memories that we hold so dear, that we look back on often and with fondness, help rekindle those feelings of admiration that may sometimes become obscured from the basic distractions of children, work, and school.

These memories are important in nurturing our marriages, especially when times get tough. If we have strong, positive memories to turn back to, we are unlikely to consider divorce every time an argument or conflict arises. Instead, we will reflect on these positive experiences and remember why we fell in love in the first place.

And trust me, it's totally awesome!

The Antidote to Contempt
Remember that little thing we talked about last week - contempt? Contempt is a jerk. And he will ruin your marriage. Thankfully, though, contempt isn't invincible. Fondness and admiration help us to combat contempt and act as an antidote for the little stinker. There's a simple reason why this is. Have you ever admired someone so much and yet been totally disgusted with them at the same time? Yeah, neither have I. If we have fondness and admiration toward our spouse, we are far less likely to show contempt, disgust, etc. to them. Easy cheesy, right?

For some, maybe. For others, not so much.

So how do we help foster admiration and fondness in a way that will battle the evil-doer Contempt? According to Gottman, "the key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you've observed and are grateful for... Search for the small, everyday moments. Catch your partner doing some little thing right and then offer a genuine appreciation" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, pg.71).

Have you tried this? Have you ever made a conscious decision to recognize those small and simple things that your spouse does right? It can be hard to be so diligent, but I can tell you from experience that this works miracles! It's difficult to be upset with your spouse because they didn't fold the laundry when you are noticing that they swept the floor, cleaned the toilets, took out the trash, and put dinner in the oven. Suddenly the unfolded laundry doesn't seem like a big deal and you're just overcome with gratitude for all of the things your spouse did do. (And it doesn't just apply to housework - that's just the example that I used because I feel those are the things I recognize the easiest).

Fanning the Flames
According to Gottman, it isn't complicated to revive your admiration and fondness for your spouse. Simply talking about past positive experiences with your spouse can help to "fan the flames" of affection and remind us why we are fighting the fight that we are.

Activity and Conclusion
Before I wrap this completely up (wow, a short post?? Ashley wouldn't dare!) I want to share with you an activity that I have found helpful over the past few days. I want you to try it for a week too, and see what a difference it makes in your relationship. Below I have put a list of thoughts and tasks - one thought and one task for each day of the week (Monday-Friday). Each day, keep the thought in your mind as you go about your daily tasks. Then, complete the task listed. Maybe you don't completely agree with the thought - that's okay! Think about it anyway and you may find by the end of the day that you agree with it after all.

Monday
Thought: I am genuinely fond of my partner.
Task: List on characteristic you find endearing or lovable.
Tuesday
Thought: I can easily speak of the good times in our marriage.
Task: Pick one good time and write a sentence about it.
Wednesday
Thought: I can easily remember romantic, special times in our marriage.
Task: Pick on such time and think about it.
Thursday
Thought: I am physically attracted to my partner.
Task: Think of one physical attribute you like.
Friday
Thought: My partner has specific qualities that make me proud.
Task: Write down one characteristic that makes you proud.
(Gottman & Silver, 2015, pg.82).

Let me tell you what this has done for me so far. I have spoken before about how my husband and I
have a pretty good relationship. We have a really strong friendship, trust each other, have great conversations, love spending time together, and conflict is fairly low in our marriage. We will have the occasional disagreement, and we may even bicker at times. But we are both very quick to forgive and understand and conflicts are resolved quickly and without leftover hurt.

Picture from here.

That being said, I know that one of my faults is that I get easily distracted. It is easy for me to get my priorities mixed up. I will be the first to admit that I am not always constantly thinking about my husband. There are times when my marriage needed to be put first, but I chose something else over it.

This activity, though, as I have forced myself to think about my marriage and my husband throughout the day, has helped me in prioritizing. It has allowed me to understand that, yes, sometimes homework or church meetings or diaper changes need to come before spending time with my husband. But there are other times when homework can wait a little longer and Facebook can wait forever, so that I can spend time nurturing my marriage.

This activity has helped me to keep my husband on my mind all the time - to be ever mindful of his needs and wants and what I can do to make him happy.

For you, perhaps it will help you recognize things in your spouse that you didn't see before. Perhaps you cannot easily think of romantic times in your marriage. But as you ponder on it throughout the day, and complete the task, you will be able to remember those times. And then you add that to your bank of "happy marital memories" to be pulled out time and time again to foster that love and fondness and admiration that each of us so desperately need in our marriage!

References

Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.