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There are three things that I see wrong with the statement above.
1) There IS no such thing as a "perfect" marriage (at least, not in this life).
2) Even in an awesome marriage, conflict cannot be avoided 100% of the time.
3) Conflict can actually help a couple learn and grow together.
In past posts, we've talked about the fact that sometimes, marriage is just difficult. Aligning your hopes, dreams, goals, and everyday life with someone from a completely different background as you is HARD. It just is. But that doesn't mean every marriage is doomed from the beginning. It's important for all of us (married or not) to understand what helps a marriage be successful. With that, it's also important for us to know those things that will not help a marriage.
Enter: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
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Each of these horsemen probably have names. I don't know. Honestly, I know very little about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Despite their actual names, we are going to rename them: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
At least, this is what Dr. John M. Gottman calls them. According to Gottman, "Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that I call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, pg. 32).
We are going to briefly discuss these dreaded four horsemen, as well as other things that are often present in marital conflict.
Criticism
It's normal to have complaints about your spouse. I don't think there is a single married person in this world who doesn't have AT LEAST one complaint about their spouse (though I'd wager most people have far more than just one complaint). That, in and of itself, is not really a problem. The problem arises when those complaints turn into criticisms. Think complaints and criticisms are the same thing? Why don't you scroll up so my buddy Dwight can tell you that belief is FALSE.
Gottman teaches us the fundamental difference between the two: "A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event... it has three parts: (1) Here's how I feel... (2) About a very specific situation... (3) And here's what I need/want/prefer... In contrast, a criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other's character or personality" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, pg. 32-33).
Say my husband and I are watching a movie and I'm playing on my phone. Perhaps this bothers my husband because he would like to spend time with me. He could say,
"Ashley, I'm feeling annoyed that you're playing on your phone right now because I would like to watch this movie together. Is what you're doing right now something that could wait until after the movie?" This would be a complaint. He is clearly stating how he feels, what situation made him feel that way, and what he would like me to do.
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"It's so annoying how you're always playing on your phone when we are spending time together. Why do you always put social media above me?" This is a criticism because he is expressing negative feelings about my character, not just a simple action of mine.
Do you see the difference? (I do want to mention that when I read this back to my husband, he just laughed and said, "Well that definitely makes me sound worse than I actually did in that situation..." And, to be fair, I may have overdone the rudeness of his criticism to prove a point - sorry Husband!)
I think we've all experienced criticism in one way or another in our marriage. Maybe we've been criticized. Maybe we've been the criticizer. It happens. And that's okay! No marriage is going to be perfect. In fact, Gottman tells us that this horsemen is actually very common in relationships. Why? Because it's so easy for us to see the fault of others, while ignoring our own.
Christ taught us of the importance of not finding fault in others (he wasn't referring specifically to our marriages, but I think that all aspects of the gospel can be applied in this area) when he said, "Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?... Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye" (Matthew 7:3, 5, King James Version of the Bible).
In marriage, it's important for us to stop criticizing our spouse. (I am SO guilty of criticizing!) They aren't perfect, but neither are we. Instead of focusing on the things you think they do WRONG, focus on those things you think they do RIGHT and learn to communicate when issues do arise (because they will).
Contempt
Yikes. That sounds like a mean word. This horsemen "arises from a sense of superiority over one's partner. It is a form of disrespect... sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It's virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you're disgusted with him or her. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, pg. 34).
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Let's go back to my example of when my husband and I were watching a movie. Upon his criticizing me for spending too much time on my phone, I COULD have answered back with something like, "Oh, sure, because you NEVER spend time on your phone when you could be doing other things. You're just completely perfect all the time, aren't you?"
Oh the contention! The malice! The CONTEMPT!
(I'm happy to report that this is NOT how I reacted to his criticism... I don't know, I guess I was having a good day or something. More on that later.)
Dr. H. Wallace Goddard shares with us an experience in which he has expressed contempt toward his wife. He said, "I must acknowledge that I have asked many questions of my dear wife with... ungracious intent, such as: 'Why in the world did you do that when you know we decided to do otherwise?' In asking such a question, I am not humbly seeking insight; I am seeking to humiliate my partner. I am acting like a lawyer looking for a conviction. That is not a good way to strengthen a relationship" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 18).
Defensiveness
We've all experienced this one. In reading the chapters this week with my husband, he admitted that defensiveness is his "go-to" horseman (which is probably because criticism is mine).
Sometimes we think that defensiveness will help calm a conflict when, in fact, it actually does the opposite. Defensiveness basically puts the blame on something or someone else. It is the act of refusing to take responsibility for yourself. As adults, we should all realize the fault in this.
We are going to go back to the example I've been sharing about using my phone while we were watching a movie. A defensive response to my husband's criticism would look something like,
"I'm stuck at home all day with the kids and this is the first time I've gotten on social media all day. I have no social life since all I ever do is schoolwork, house work, and take care of the kids. Social media is the only contact I get with the outside world."
If that was how I responded (which it's not... hallelujah!) I would have been completely refusing to take responsibility. Rather than just saying, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been distracted with my phone while we're spending time together" and putting down my phone, I could really escalate the argument (and start a whole slew of new arguments) by getting defensive.
Maybe I feel that I'm justified in looking at my phone while we were spending time together. (Honestly, I wasn't really justified, which is probably why I didn't resort to contempt or defensiveness, but that's for later.) What would an appropriate response be if I did feel justified?
I'm not a marriage expert. HOWEVER, if I had to take a guess, I would think that this might be an appropriate response...
"I'm really sorry to have made you upset. That was not my intention. I shouldn't be on my phone while we are spending time together. I'm sorry. My friend just lost her father and so I was sending her a message. Do you mind if I finish this message and then I'll put my phone away for the rest of the movie?"
Again, I'm no expert. In my husband's and my relationship, I imagine this would diffuse any frustration. In other marriages, it might not.
The bottom line here: just take responsibility for your actions.
Stonewalling
Confession time: I used to be a text-book stonewaller. Seriously. I was the WORST! As my husband and I read the chapters together this week, he expressed appreciation that, for the most part, the stonewalling in our relationship has ceased to exist. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
What is stonewalling?
"In marriages where... criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice versa, eventually one partner tunes out. This trumpets the arrival of the fourth horseman. Think of the husband who comes home from work, gets met with a barrage of criticism from his stay-at-home wife, and responds by turning on the TV. The less responsive he is, the more she yells. Eventually, he gets up and leaves the room. Rather than confronting his wife, he disengages. By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, pg. 38, emphasis added).
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Don't. Be. A. Stonewaller. Just don't. It's not worth avoiding the conflict. Because, as Gottman taught us, you aren't just avoiding conflict, you're avoiding your marriage!
Back to my example now. Say my husband starts with a criticism, which I answer with contempt and defensiveness. Soon we are in a full-on battle of words as we bring up past experiences where I've apparently neglected my husband to play on my phone. More sarcasm and eye-rolling is thrown in there until finally I'm just SO done!
What will I do? I could try a repair attempt (more on that later), but by this point I'm just so frustrated that I don't want to deal with it anymore. So, instead of arguing or saying anything, I pick up my phone again, and start scrolling aimlessly through my Facebook News Feed. My husband turns back to the TV and continues watching the movie.
It might look peaceful, but it's not. Feelings are hurt. Our relationship is hurt. And nothing got resolved.
That, my friends, is the product of stonewalling.
Repair Attempts
Do you see how these Four Horsemen can be deadly to your marriage? Do you understand how to avoid pitfalls like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling? Do you think it's even possible?
Obviously, we cannot avoid all conflict all the time. It would be completely impossible. Even those who are considered "peace-makers" (I'm sure not one of them!) are still going to face their fair share of conflict within their marriage.
I want to share with you what REALLY happened in my experience with my husband.
(It's worth noting here that there have been other times in our relationship - some rather recently - where I haven't reacted quite so kindly to criticism... one of which I actually share on one of our assignments for this week.)
Here's how the dialogue played out (if my memory serves me well)...
Brandon: "Will you please get off your phone? You do this every time we watch a movie. For once I'd just like to spend time with you." (Eh... probably not exact, but it's more or less how it went down.)
Ashley: "Oh, sorry! You're right, I'll put it away." (Then I gave him a really, really creepy smile and raised my eyebrows at him.)
Because my husband and I have a pretty good relationship (in my opinion) and I'm generally awesome (and humble), he just laughed at the face I pulled. We went on to finish the movie and everything was hunky-dory.
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Gottman refers to repair attempts as "A happy couple's secret weapon" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, pg. 26). He goes on to say that a repair attempt "refers to any statement or action - silly or otherwise - that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. Repair attempts are a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples - even though many of these couples aren't aware that they are employing something so powerful. When a couple have a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, pg. 27).
It's important that we are able to read those repair attempts in our spouses. We have ALL been in arguments that started as something so small, but then escalated to a full-on brawl and we're left there wondering, "What the HECK happened? This wasn't supposed to get so serious!" That's where these repair attempts come in, because there is no way to avoid ALL conflict.
A repair attempt can be just about anything, from a silly face, to simply saying "I'm sorry", to hugging it out. Some friends of ours established a code-word for when things begin to escalate. When either one of them realize things are getting heated and they are feeling angry, they just say "Bananas" which usually makes them both laugh and the conflict fizzles down enough that they can handle it rationally.
They might not know it, but they are practicing a repair attempt.
Conclusion
Every marriage will have conflict (some more than others). It's important as members of the Church who value marriage as an eternal institution to do all in our power to preserve and protect our marriages. We've got the Lord on our side. He is cheering us on and providing all of the help that we need to make our marriages successful, and happier than we could ever dream.
As we close, consider these teachings from Goddard on the divine ordination of marriage...
"What is God's purpose for marriage? Did God design marriage as a refuge - a safe haven - from a troubled world? Or did He design marriage as a laboratory where each of us could conduct daily experiments in gospel living? Or did he design marriage as a spiritual challenge course to humble us, stretch us, and refine us?
"Yes, to all of the above. For most people, marriage is a refuge from the storm. At other times, marriage is the storm where cold squalls and pitching decks test our balance and determination as we seek the promised land of marital harmony.
"One thing is sure. God did not design marriage as a retirement village where we sunbathe, work the buffet, and play golf. When God ordained marriage, He had loftier and more demanding purposes in mind.
"When we understand God's purposes for marriage, we are more likely to feel blessed by it. And we are less likely to feel disappointed and persecuted by it" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 16).
References
Goddard, H.W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
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