Turning Toward your Spouse

The keys to a happy, long-lasting marriage are spontaneity, passion, and endless amounts of money and free time to spend just to focus on your relationship. Right?

At least, that is the message that we tend to get when watching TV or a movie. Is this "passionate love" really going to keep a marriage thriving through the many challenges that each one will inevitably face? Probably not. In fact, Dr. John Gottman says that the real passion that keeps marriage alive is far less dramatic. He says,

Humphrey Bogart & Ingrid Bergman
Image from here.

"Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. In marriage, couples are always making what I call 'bids' for each others attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub, or as significant as seeking to help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 88).

Gottman goes on to share an experience he had where he was in tune with his wife's needs and answered her bid for help and attention. One day he heard his wife quietly grumbling over the laundry as she was unloading the dryer. Perhaps you've heard your spouse do something similar. Did you stop to help them or see what was the matter? Or did you brush off their grumbling? Dr. Gottman inquired what was the matter and his wife simply explained that she didn't mind doing laundry, but she hated folding it. To that, Dr. Gottman grabbed the laundry and started folding (definitely winning "husband of the year" award in the process). Eventually, his wife made her way into the room and they began talking which transitioned into them deciding to go out to their favorite jazz club that night. Dr. Gottman said, "In the end, my turning toward that pile of laundry turned out to be very romantic for us" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 90).

I grew up with five brothers. For those who don't know what it's like to grow up with five brothers, let me give you a little taste of what it was like (at least, for me). Everything was a competition. When dinner time came around, I would shovel my food into my mouth as quickly as I could because I knew that if I didn't hurry and get the food I wanted, my brothers would surely eat it all! They were bottomless pits, they were. In addition to that, as [almost] the middle child of seven, I felt that I had to fight for attention.

Me and four of my brothers (2008) beating up on each other...

What does this have to do with turning toward our spouse? It doesn't really have anything to do with it. But the affect that this childhood had on me has everything to do with it.

These things have turned me into kind of a selfish person. I'm all for taking responsibility for our own actions. Therefore, I don't blame my selfishness on my brothers or my parents. But, I acknowledge that those experiences shaped this selfish human being that I can be sometimes.

Selfishness is a killer to a marriage. I won't go into all of the problems that have come from my selfishness over the seven years I've been married (for one because this would turn into a novel, and also because I'm too embarrassed to admit to some of my selfishness). Thankfully, I have a very selfless husband and so we balance each other out. HOWEVER, selfishness is something I have been constantly working on since I got married. I'm happy to report that I have improved some.

In order to truly turn toward our spouse, we need to overcome these feelings of selfishness and entitlement. Especially when children come along, it's important to let go of those things. As a mother, I have to give my all every single day (in fact, I dare say that some days I have to give even more than I feel I have capacity to give), but I need to make sure that I'm also giving my all to my marriage.

My goal for this week has been to watch for those "bids" that my husband sends me - whether obvious or not - and to respond to them. It's amazing the changes in my attitude that come when I am diligent about meeting my husband's needs. And you know what is even more incredible? He started answering my bids more, even though he wasn't really aware that I was making a conscious effort to answer his! Dr. Gottman says that turning toward one another is "like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 89). I am excited to see how much more this practice affects my marriage for the better.

Part of overcoming selfishness is understanding where our priorities should be. Many parents believe that their children are generally their first priority. They would be wrong. Your marriage should be above your children in priority, but even your marriage isn't really what should be first in your life.

Ezra Taft Benson, former President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 57).

How beautiful is that? We have a promise that as we put the Lord first, all other things will fall into place or fall out of our lives completely. Have you experienced this in your life? I believe very strongly that as we put the Lord first, our marriages will improve. Because God supports marriage. He sustains it. It is ordained of God. As we turn to the Lord, we naturally turn toward our spouse and want to make them happy. We want to improve our relationship and deepen our friendship. We want  to look past those small things that irritate us and we can look beyond them!

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard explained what happens if we cannot look past those small irritations...

"Marriage is full of tempests in teapots. We bristle over our partner's work choice or disinterest in our story. We fret and complain about this purchase or that insensitivity. We grumble about a chore neglected or a kindness unappreciated. We may be bothered by indecisiveness, hygiene, grammar, food preferences, clothing style, personality, lack of religiosity, stubbornness... the list is endless! Over time we transform irritations into evils.With time we come to think of our partners as disappointments or failures" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 58, emphasis added).

Did you cringe a little bit at reading that? I certainly did the first time I read it. How many times have I taken one of my husband's small faults and turned it into a thing of evil? Instead of just thinking "He forgot to take out the trash - he must be distracted. I had better see what is wrong" I think, "He forgot to take out the trash because he just thinks I should do all of the housework. He's so selfish." (For the record, I don't think I've ever had this exact thought, but others similar to this.) Suddenly my husband isn't just a man who works graveyards to support his family and is pretty much constantly exhausted - he's selfish and he doesn't want to help around the house.

I'm sure you can see the danger in turning these simple irritations into evils.

So what can we do to battle these feelings of irritation and to turn toward our spouse?

According to Goddard, the answer is simple. We must center our faith and our lives on Jesus Christ and if we do that, "nothing can ever go permanently wrong" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 66).

References

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing

Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.