Seriously, though, just don't be prideful. Simple, right?
I wish that's all we had to say about it. Judging from how members of the Church call pride the "universal sin," though, I think that simply telling everyone to beware of pride isn't enough.
Pride is interesting. It encompasses a lot of things. It's the opposite of humility. It's an attitude that will never bring us happiness. It doesn't deal only with our actions, but with the motives behind those actions.
Ezra Taft Benson, former President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints told us that "pride is a very misunderstood sin" (to read his talk "Beware of Pride" in its entirety, click here). I cannot say that I disagree with him on that conclusion. The more I learn about pride, the more I realize I am guilty of pride. We must understand what constitutes as pride so that we may avoid feeling prideful (which is definitely easier said than done). President Benson lends some more clarity on the subject...
"Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sen, but the heart, or core, is still missing. The central feature of pride is enmity... Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.' ...Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God's. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of 'my will and not thine be done.' ...Our will in competition to God's will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled. The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives. They pit their perceptions of truth against God's great knowledge, their abilities versus God's priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works. Our enmity toward God takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers. The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren't interested in changing their opinions to agree with God's. ...The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others."
Have your attitude and feelings ever matched any of these things being described? (And don't you dare lie and say that you have never felt this way - pride is the universal sin, remember?)
But what does this have to do with marriage?
If you're married, you can probably think of a number of ways this applies to marriage. If you aren't married, maybe you have no clue (or maybe you do!).
It should come as no surprise that marriage is hard. I've said this before. If you're married, then you've experienced some measure of hardship first-hand. When two very different people combine their lives and try to mesh their hopes and dreams and lifestyles, there is bound to be some challenges that arise and I can guarantee that pride will play a role in every marriage.
The "natural man" is prideful and we must try to overcome this natural tendency in our marriages. Goddard offers us some information on how we just do this. He says that we must "[get] heaven's perspective and [be] open to our partner's point of view" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 79). As we look back on President Benson's talk, we can see that the key to getting heaven's perspective is humility. When we put the Lord's will above our own and continue with faith in Him, we gain new perspective and will come to understand that His ways are not the same as our ways.
In our marriages, gaining heaven's perspective is necessary to help us understand the importance of marriage. It helps us see the divine purposes and eternal nature of the family. We are more willing to fight through the challenges that arise when we understand marriage from a celestial perspective.
But what about the other side of Goddard's way to overcome pride in our marriage? He says we must be open to our partner's point of view.
Dr. Gottman sees the importance of this as well and says, "the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those in which the husband [and wife] did not resist sharing power and decision making... When the couple disagreed, [they] actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 116-117).
This is one of the keys to a happy marriage. Couples must be able to take their spouse's opinions and thoughts and feelings into consideration and there is really no excuse for not taking them into account. Gottman goes on to say that "some men claim that religious conviction requires them to be in control of their marriages and, by extension, their wives. But no religion I know of says that a man should be a bully... All spiritual views of life are consistent with loving and esteeming your spouse. And that's what accepting influence is all about" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 118-119).
Notice how Gottman didn't say that in order to allow your spouse to influence you, you must be in complete agreement with everything they say or do. Because that's just silly. It's never going to happen. What is important is that we are willing to compromise and meet our spouse in an area of common ground so that conflicts can be solved in a way where both parties are satisfied.
I think it is important to point out that expressing negative emotions occasionally does not mean that your marriage is on a down-ward spiral toward divorce. According to Gottman "marriages can survive plenty of flashes of anger, complaints, even criticisms. Trying to suppress negative feelings in your spouse's presence wouldn't be good for your marriage or your blood pressure" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 120). But we must know that problems come when one spouse's annoyance or dissatisfaction is met by the other spouse with attitudes and actions that escalate the problem, rather than help resolve it.
So how can we prevent these attitudes (which will arise) from escalating the problem into a full on brawl between a husband and wife?
*hint: what is this post all about?
That's right - we need to avoid pride!
It takes humility to admit we are wrong. It takes humility to be complained about and not get angry. It takes humility to allow our spouse's opinions to influence our thoughts and actions. It takes a ridiculous amount of humility to go with your spouse's opinion, rather than your own. But, according, to Gottman, "the fundamental difference between [spouses] who accept influence and those who don't is that the former have learned that often in life you need to yield in order to win" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 125, emphasis added).
Avoiding pride in marriage is never going to be easy. It's always going to be an uphill battle for each and every one of us. There will always be moments when we feel frustrated with our spouse. We will feel that we know more or better than them. We will feel totally validated in our frustrations toward them. But it is something that we need to continually improve, hard as it is.
Marriage is worth this. Your marriage is worth this fight. So take a look in the mirror; drop your pride; see your spouse the way the Lord sees them. As we try to overcome pride within our marriage, incredible things will begin to happen in our relationships!
References
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
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