Sometimes in marriage, conflicts can escalate and result in something called gridlock. According to Dr. Gottman, we will know that we have reached a gridlock if...
1. We've had the same argument over and over again with no resolution.
2. Neither the husband nor the wife can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing over time.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would been giving up something that is important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.
Pretty much any conflict in marriage CAN grow into a gridlock if we allow it to. Let me share an example of a conflict that has been ever present in my marriage (which I don't believe has turned into a gridlock YET because it doesn't fit into category #2).
My husband thinks it's perfectly okay if our children have sleepovers with their friends once they are about 8 years old. I do not think that sleepovers are appropriate and I want my children to be in our home at night.
This has been something we have argued (mostly casually) about for the full seven years we've been married. We argued and disagreed on this topic before we even had children! Now that our oldest is almost 6, it's probably time for us to settle this once and for all. Honestly, a few weeks ago I wouldn't even know where to start.
Dr. Gottman gives us some important information to help. He instructs, "To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn't aware of, hasn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect. By dreams I mean hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 238).
The very deepest of our dreams are often rooted in our childhood.
Dr. Gottman teaches us the steps for working on gridlocked marital issues in four steps. I have outlined a little bit of what my husband and I have done for our disagreement on sleepovers.
Step 1: Explore the Dreams
Brandon: "A lot of my fondest memories with my friends were at sleepovers. My friends and I always had so much fun together and I want our children to have friends that they will have as much fun with. I think about our kids and want them to have the same fun childhood that I did."
Ashley (me): "While I have a lot of fond memories from having sleepovers with my friends, what I remember most is all of the trouble we caused. There's something that happens when the parents go to bed and the pre-teens find themselves alone at one in the morning. Kids who were usually well-behaved (like myself) suddenly get an urge to create mischief. Along with that, there were many conversations that happened between me and my friends that should never have happened. It was at these sleepovers that I was first introduced to pornography, immorality in movies, temptation to consume alcohol and other things that were not good for me, and other things. When I think about our children, I don't want to willingly put them in a situation where they have to face those kinds of things (even though I know they will face it at school and in the world)."
This is kind of a nutshell version of what our opinions and discussion was (you'll notice my husband's is much shorter than mine... he is a man of few words). From this, I hope you can get the jist of what our dreams are in regard to the issue at hand. You will notice that our dreams are strongly rooted in our childhood memories.
Step 2: Soothe
Sometimes discussing sensitive topics such as this can be challenging, especially if you are prone to escalated emotions. It is important for each spouse to be aware of how they are feeling during the discussion. If things are getting heated, don't be afraid to step away for 20 minutes to cool things down or simply to stop the discussion and spend some quality time together. You can always pick right back up where you left off.
Step 3: Reach a Temporary Compromise
Make a list of things that you absolutely cannot compromise on, and make another list of the things that you can be flexible about. Try your absolute hardest to make the list of things you are not willing to compromise on as short as possible, with the list of things you can be flexible about as long as you want. When my husband and I did this, we came up with the following lists...
Brandon
Things he cannot compromise
Allowing our kids freedom to spend time with their friends
Things that are flexible
The actual time our children are needed home in the evenings
Ashley
Things I cannot compromise
Having my children home at night
Things that are flexible
Allowing late-nights with a previously decided curfew determined for each child
Having sleepovers with cousins and grandparents as we see appropriate
From this, my husband and I were able to come to a temporary compromise. He is willing to disallow sleepovers, as long as we allow our children to occasionally participate in "late-nights" with their friends (where they are allowed to hang out with their friends later than usual, without actually spending the night).
Step 4: Say "Thank You"
Not every issue will be as easy to figure out as this one was (and let me just say, that this issue was actually surprisingly easy to figure out. When I voiced my concerns to my husband using Gottman's suggestions, he actually realized that he was concerned about some of those same things... it's a miracle!) but if you follow these steps, it will help shed some light on you and your spouses dreams.
It is important to end it all on a positive note, so make sure you express appreciation (be specific!) after having discussions like this with your spouse. Express appreciation for their willingness to compromise, or maybe even just for their willingness to have the discussion with you in the first place! Whatever it is, be grateful for it and express that gratitude to them.
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
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