Sometimes in marriage, we may feel entitled to certain behaviors or actions from our spouse. Not only that, but we may feel that we don't have to give all.
Dr. H.W. Goddard said,
"There is a popular trend toward encouraging equity in marriage. The emphasis is on sharing household duties in fair ways. There is a lot of merit in having men contribute more to the many household tasks that make a house run smoothly. In most cases women are badly overloaded and men are under-involved at home. Remedying the imbalance is worthy.
"The problem with equity is in the inevitable score-keeping that accompanies efforts toward it. Seeking equity encourages people to think about and value their own contributions. At the same time, humans almost always under-notice and under-appreciate the efforts of others. Anything that encourages this natural-man tendency is destructive" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 107).
Have you ever done this "score-keeping" in your marriage. I hope you haven't, but I'd be willing to bet that you have (I've done it, even though I wish I could say I haven't).
Seeking equity in marriage (in the way that Goddard explained it) is just one of the many many perpetual problems that may exist in a marriage. According to Dr. John Gottman, perpetual problems "will be a part of your lives forever in some form or another" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 137).
If you're like me at all, you may find the idea of "forever problems" in your marriage a little overwhelming. The important thing to remember is that just because a problem is classified as "perpetual," that doesn't mean that it is going to destroy your marriage. There are ways to work with these problems, even if they are not solved completely.
Perpetual problems come in many different varieties. Perhaps a wife wants a baby, but her husband isn't so sure he wants to have children. Maybe one spouse wants physical intimacy more than the other. Maybe a wife is a neat-freak and her husband is just a little bit more of a slob (can anyone relate to this one? I can!). Some couples disagree on religion. Others disagree on parenting methods.
The list could go on and on and on about the perpetual problems that can exist in any given marriage.
So what do we do about these problems? It is difficult to solve them completely as there is always some underlying dilemma or emotion that triggers the problem in the first place.
*Note: This is in contrast to solvable problems, which are those in which the conflict is focused solely on a problem at hand. An example of a solvable problem would be if it is my husband's job to take out the garbage and he forgets once because he has been really overwhelmed lately. The issue is just that he forgot to take it out once. Now, a perpetual problem might be if he was continually neglecting the garbage. An underlying dilemma here could be our differences in housekeeping standards and me feeling underappreciated because I "have to do all of the work around here."*
Now back to handling perpetual problems. It may seem there is no hope.
"My husband will never want a baby. He will always want intimacy more than I do. He is always going to be a slob. He will always want to raise our children in a different religion. And we will always disagree on parenting methods."
And perhaps these might be true in some marriages. But should this keep us from having a happy marriage? Of course not!
According to Gottman, marriages with the problems listed above can still be satisfying because the couples "have learned to keep [the problems] in their place and approach them with a sense of humor" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 138).
Did you get that? We should have a sense of humor! How important that is!
President Gordon B. Hinckley taught us about the importance of having a sense of humor. He speaks mostly of the challenges that arise in daily life, although the same concept can be applied in our marriages. The following clip is from the 1981 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He relates a story of a man trying to fix a building - and cracks himself up while telling it.
*Note: President Hinckley shared this story at a BYU devotional as well in which he talks more about having a sense of humor. (To read the BYU devotional talk, click here.) The clip you are about to watch is from the General Conference talk "4 B's For Boys" (To read this talk, click here.) - he does not relate it to having a sense of humor in this talk, but this is the best clip I could find of the story and half the fun is watching him laugh his way through it! Enjoy... it's a good one!
Before telling the story at BYU, President Hinckley said, "I think I know something of the frustrations of life in general. I have had my head bumped and my shins barked. On some of these occasions when I have needed a laugh, I have turned to a letter which I think is something of a classic..."
How wonderful that a prophet of the Lord encourages us to have a sense of humor! Surely he does not mean that a sense of humor is only important outside of marriage. We can use humor to enhance our own marriages and to cope and deal with the many perpetual problems that we each face.
According to Gottman, couples who have satisfying marriages "intuitively understand that some difficulties are inevitable, much the way chronic physical ailments are unavoidable as you get older... We may not enjoy having these problems, but we are able to cope by avoiding situations that worsen them, and by developing strategies and routines that help ease them." In addition, these couples are "constantly working it out, for the most part good-naturedly" (Gottman, 2015, pg. 139).
May we all strive to handle the problems that arise with a smile and a laugh and a good sense of humor!
References
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
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