Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Okay, folks.

It's time for another touchy (or just plain uncomfortable) topic. Well, maybe for you. My goal is to some day be a Sex Therapist, so believe it or not, this isn't really uncomfortable for me. Maybe I'm just a weirdo.

As uncomfortable as this topic may be, I don't think that any of us can deny the importance of talking about it. In addition, I think that we all can agree that it probably isn't discussed as much as is should be. I'm not suggesting that you should bring this topic up at Thanksgiving dinner with your in-laws, but there are times in which we could be more open. For instance, with our children and with our spouse.

Sexual intimacy is a key part of marriage. But some have what Laura M. Brotherson - a marriage counselor, sex therapist, and personal friend of mine - calls The Good Girl Syndrome. According to Brotherson, "It is the significant impact of the negative sexual conditioning that many receive, especially women, regarding their own bodies and the purposes of sexuality. The Good Girl Syndrome refers to the deeply internalized feelings and attitudes that rigidly emphasize only the negatives associated with sexuality" (Brotherson, 2004, pg. 2).

Those of us who grew up in the Church may have experienced some of this negative sexual conditioning as youth. In Young Women's we were taught about the importance of sexual purity. Some leaders perhaps beat that into us more than anything else (I had a few that it seemed ONLY wanted to talk about the law of chastity). It's not wrong to teach about sexual purity. It's necessary to teach about sexual purity. Unfortunately, though, sometimes young people do not differentiate between sexual purity when they are unmarried, and sexual purity when they are married. Because they are different.

Many women struggle with accepting sex as appropriate after they are married. My own grandmother struggled with this when she was a newly married young woman. But the prophets and apostles have taught us that "sex is for procreation and expression of love" (Kimball, 1982, pg. 311). Sexual intimacy is ordained of God within the bonds of marriage. How amazing is that? We are provided, not only with the means to help create and grow life, but with a way in which husband and wife can strengthen their emotional and spiritual bond to each other and show that with the very strongest expression of love!

Wow! Just wow!

We know that the feelings felt by our mortal bodies serve a great purpose. Elder Richard G. Scott explains that a "reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose" (Scott, 1994). He goes on to say, "when we were created, Father in Heaven put in our body the capacity to stir powerful emotions. Within the covenant of marriage, when properly used in ways acceptable to both and to the Lord, those emotions open the doors for children to come to earth... There are times, brethren, when you need to restrain your feelings. There are times when you need to allow their full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage."

These feelings that we have toward our spouse are normal. And they are appropriate when we are married. But these emotions, if left free and unchecked, can lead to danger.

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard teaches us of these dangers. "Today Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means. He gets us inappropriately close to someone who is not our spouse under the guise of missionary work, friendship, or helpfulness. He subtly builds inappropriate emotional bonds while quieting our consciences with weak rationalizations" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 89).

Have you experienced this sort of relationship apart from your spouse?

Let me share with you an experience that taught me a very important lesson about this. I was a young 19-year-old newlywed. One of my husband's friends (we will call him Tom for the sake of convenience) had helped me in getting a job where he worked a few months prior to my marriage. Over the months of my engagement and our marriage, my husband and I both continued to be friends with Tom. The three of us would hang out often (with the usual addition of whatever girl Tom was dating at the time). As the months passed, Tom and my husband fell away from each other a bit, although Tom and I remained friends and coworkers. At first, Tom and I would only see each other at work. Then he would text me occasionally, but I never kept those texts a secret from my husband, so I didn't think there was any danger. Especially since I was madly in love with my husband and had absolutely no interest in Tom. Pretty soon Tom started scheduling his lunch hour at the same time as mine so we could eat together in the break room at work. Again, I justified this because there were always other people around and we were just friends. Around Christmas, I was talking to Tom about what I should get my husband for Christmas. He suggested that we meet somewhere after work and look together. Being the naive, 19-year-old that I was, I agreed and we decided to meet at a store down the road when we both got off.

We walked through the store together, laughing and joking and really having a good time. The thought hit me that I enjoyed spending time with Tom. Instantly after that thought came, "What if someone you know sees you with him?" My stomach sunk and I realized that what was going on was not appropriate. Interestingly enough, I never was infatuated with Tom. And yet, as I read the chapter in Dr. Goddard's book, I could see so many similarities between what he calls the "Stages of Unfaithfulness" and my relationship with Tom.

I ended everything with Tom after that day. I explained the situation to my husband and he was, of course, incredibly forgiving and loving to me. I still saw Tom at work (it was unavoidable), but I avoided him when possible and didn't spend time with him outside of work.

It was a good lesson for me to see just how subtle the temptation is to form these "special friendships" with individuals who are not our spouse.

How do we fight off these temptations?

Dr. Goddard gives us some wise counsel:

"We should be prepared for Satan's attacks. He offers love, fun and a satisfying life. But it is a lie. He wants to get us to violate our covenants. But he has no joy to deliver on his grandiose promises. He is the master of misery. That is all he has to offer... As usual, Satan's lies are extravagant - but empty. In contrast God's promises are sure" (Goddard, 2009, pg. 95-96).

Hold to your covenants. Hold to your marriage. Give your whole heart to the Lord and to your spouse. Don't form "special friendships" with anyone besides your sweetheart. As you turn toward your spouse, you will find fulfillment in your marriage and happiness throughout your life.

References

Brotherson, L. M. (2004). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing

Kimball, S. W. (1982). The teachings of Spencer W. Kimball.

Scott, R. G. (1994). Ensign. Page 38.